I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
