You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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