god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
