We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
