when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
