If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
