I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
