I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
