Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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