Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
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apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
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I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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