I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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