Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
the liver wants what the liver wants
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
