you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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