gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
