Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
