i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
