Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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