the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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