had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
