Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dear god my vagina.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
