I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
