Jerry, you need to find god
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
