Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
