The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart