break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
