I just pynch a tree in the face
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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