Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
