The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
