the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
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My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
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I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
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