my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
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We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
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Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.