i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
