took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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