this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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