I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
