He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
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