I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
