Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
