Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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