Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
