I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I did not marry a roomba.
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