the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
