if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
