You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
