Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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