she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
