paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
