im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
