Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
