You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I wear drunk well.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
