Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
