i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
