Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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