you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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