can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I can't trust your balls anymore.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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